life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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