i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
