having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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