Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
