At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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