can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
