Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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