i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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