new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
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Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You made out with two different species that night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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