I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
