I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
