My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
