After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
