She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
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I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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