just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
