I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
