while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
