i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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