he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
