my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
