"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
