fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
