My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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