Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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