I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
