She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
