Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
