did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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