when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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