Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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