I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
