I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
