Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
