my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
