Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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