I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The air taste purple.
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