If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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