ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
