guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
