I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
