cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
