did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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