Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
