maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
