i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
