dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
