glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I stole a fireplace last night.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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