there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
