need another drink. this is the easiest way
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
