I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
