dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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