my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
