I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
