I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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