My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
