Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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