We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
