Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
