OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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